Why The Present Moment Feels So Hard After Loss
After a loss, whether it's a person, a version of yourself or your job, your brain goes into protection mode. It tries to pull you out of the present moment because the present is where your grief lives.
The present moment is where it hurts.
But here's what nobody tells you: the present moment is also the only place where you can actually heal.
In this episode, you'll learn why your body is resisting the now, why our culture has set us up to escape our present moment, and what happens when you finally stop running and start witnessing what's actually there. I'm sharing the exact 3-step practice I use with my clients, plus the story of my Bali decision—the moment I realized sitting with my emotions wasn't something to fear.
Listen to discover why the present moment feels like a threat to your system, how I went from avoiding pain to using it as my compass, the I Think, I Feel, I Sense practice, why "positive thinking" might be keeping you stuck, and how somatic coaching actually works.
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Start your healing journey: Join my 10-Day Reset—short audios (5-10 minutes daily) to help you pause, witness yourself, and come home to what's actually happening right now.
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Now, I'd love to hear from you. When you think about your present moment right now—today, this week—what's one thing you're feeling that you've been trying to escape?
Maybe it's grief. Maybe it's uncertainty about what comes next. Maybe it's just the weight of everything you're carrying, and you're tired of looking away.
Your willingness to sit with what's hard right now will change things. Drop a comment below and tell me what you're sensing in your body right now. What brought you to this episode?
Your voice matters. Your experience matters. And this community gets stronger every single time you show up and say the thing you've been afraid to say.
With endless love and appreciation,
Kendra 💜
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[00:00:26] I have a question for you. How often do you feel like you are spending time thinking about the past or thinking about the future?
[00:00:38] Instead of, and this is the question I have for you, how much time are we spending actually living our lives in our present moment? And I think this is a really interesting question specifically because of the work that I do and the life that I've lived. I work with women who've gone through some sort of a loss, any type of loss, divorce, loss of identity, loss of, a loved one.
[00:01:05] any type of loss. And when we've gone through some type of loss, the reason this is such an interesting question is that the present moment can really feel like the hardest place to be And yet, it really is also the only place that anything shifts for us.
[00:01:26] When you've gone through some sort of a loss, the present moment can feel excruciatingly hard because the present moment is where your emotions reside. even when you're thinking about the future or the past and emotions arise. Your emotions that are arising are in your current moment. So like, for example, after my daughter was stillborn, and I'll just caveat all this with, my daughter was stillborn in 2015, so it has been some years.
[00:01:58] But shortly after that, we went to a family vacation. We had thought about the future and planned out what kind of family vacations we wanted to create because we also had a, I have a s- at, at the time, I had a nine-year-old step- seven, eight, nine-year-old stepdaughter at the time, and so we needed to find ways to have a family vacation that was both, conducive for a b- a baby and also for the older kid.
[00:02:26] So we had planned actually two vacations, and we had gone on these vacations
[00:02:33] And after we lost my daughter, the vacations felt very different than we expected them to, or I expected them to at least. And while my emotions that were ari- arising in that moment were about the loss of my daughter, they were about the experience of not having her in that moment with us at vacation.
[00:02:56] This podcast today, this conversation that I wanna have with you today is about how hard I know our present moments can feel and be because our grief is, it resides and it lives in our present moment, and pretty much for the rest of our lives. I did a whole podcast about the fact that I don't think that we ever get rid of our grief, it, that we carry it with us.
[00:03:22] So if we carry our grief with us and we know that emotions reside in the current moment, it can feel really, really difficult to want to be in the present moment.
[00:03:34] the present moment can feel almost like a threat to our system, and what I mean by system is our equilibrium. Because when the emotions come up, they shake us to our core and our, culture I think has two exit strategies, two exit strategies for this uncomfortableness that we feel in the moment. We can either look back, try to understand it, try to make sense of it, try to find the why of it. This is a lot of what, you know, therapy does, and I think it's valuable and wonderful.
[00:04:13] And the other is looking forward. what it'll be like when it doesn't hurt so bad. I've told this story several times, but I created a vision board, like four months after my daughter was stillborn. and I did that because I needed something on my wall that was like, "This is what I want my life to look like when it doesn't hurt so bad."
[00:04:40] So I was already going to the future, where I didn't have to feel the way I felt
[00:04:46] And where I could embody, like, a new state. Like, I won't feel this way forever. I'll be able to do all these things in the future, and this is what I want my life to look like in the future. This is what I wanna manifest for my future. I just didn't wanna deal with my current reality, which was this fucking sucks, and it hurts, and it's hard.
[00:05:06] And so our culture gives us two options. Instead of, you know, be in your present moment and feel all the feelings, it says either examine them Try to understand them, consider your past and how that has impacted where you are today, which again, I think is all valuable, or look to the future. Vision board.
[00:05:32] Plan for your future. Think about another... Think about a time where it won't feel, feel so bad. And both of those, I think, have value. I'm not saying we shouldn't ever be in there. What I think we have done, though, is we've cut out the present moment as much as possible. So I love a good ther- therapy session.
[00:05:52] I went to a lot of them, I promise. I have a degree in psychology, so I do understand the value of, like- talking through things. It's a passion of mine that I'm also a planner, so I'm always thinking about the future. And it's totally understandable. This is all very human, but neither one of them is right here in this moment with you, talking to camera and feeling what I'm feeling and being in the experience of sharing my voice in a way that I never have before
[00:06:27] And I think a lot of the times we do this, and I've talked about this again on another podcast, I think we do this a lot of times because we haven't been taught that it's okay to feel our feelings, and our, and feeling our feelings feels so uncomfortable, so we're like, "Ooh, get me out of this present moment because it is uncomfortable, and I don't understand.
[00:06:48] I don't like feeling my feelings because I've never been taught how to feel my feelings. It feels very uncomfortable." And so when something, shakes us to our core and we have these waves of grief that feel like they're gonna swallow us whole, and they feel like that because we've never practiced feeling our feelings.
[00:07:11] And the grief, y- you can't stop it. , The wave is coming, and it's gonna keep coming. And the more we resist it by staying in the past wishing things could've been different or looking to the future thinking it won't feel this way forever, sort of right if we deal with what is in the present
[00:07:38] So I feel like our culture has set us up for failure a little bit because we're not taught that feeling our feelings is okay. And then we experience big life things like loss, and grief is a feeling, it is an emotion, is an experience that you can't ignore. You can try. God love us, you can try. But the waves are gonna keep coming.
[00:08:06] They're not gonna stop. They're gonna show up in ways in your life that are gonna like, "Pay attention to me." We're terrified to be in our present moment because that means we have to feel it all. And if we feel it all, we feel like we, it might swallow us all because we've never been taught how to feel our feelings.
[00:08:26] That's why our present moments, especially after loss, can feel like the hardest place to be because it's where the pain resides. It's where the emotion resides. And that can feel scary if we don't know how to allow our emotions to exist It can sometimes feel easier to just stay distracted, to plan for the future, to examine the past, because we just like to avoid feeling what is right now in this moment We also live in a world and in systems that reinforce that.
[00:09:03] Like, just stay distracted. Like, just go to work. Just get on the TV, get on your devices, whatever it is, just stay distracted. we're always connected. We're overscheduled. We're overstimulated. And so it's really hard. It's actually quite hard to actually be in the present moment in the first place. And then if you're in the present moment and it doesn't feel good because there's emotions in that moment with you, sure, we are like, "Why the hell do we wanna stay in the present moment?
[00:09:34] It's uncomfortable. It feels uncomfortable
[00:09:37] But here's the thing, and this goes back to what I said earlier in this conversation. Here in this present moment is really the only place that anything can shift for you. So if you're feeling overwhelmed by the grief, maybe stuck in a life that doesn't feel like your own maybe, you've noticed or witnessed, this inner pull towards something different for you.
[00:10:08] A truth that wasn't there before you experienced your loss. I get it. And the only place that you can make your shifts are right here in your present moment. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, but right here and right now
[00:10:26] And I am gonna share a story with you that is about my past, but I'm gonna share it with you from where I sit today in my current moment. So I spent a good part of five years trying to have a baby, and after we lost my daughter who was stillborn, we went through infertility and surgeries
[00:10:47] And if you've ever tried to have a baby through those types of environments, you're tracking your cycles, you're paying attention to your hormone levels, you're doing fertility treatments, you're taking shots, whatever you're doing. You're f- future planning your vacations around your doctor's appointments,
[00:11:05] And you're constantly thinking about after you have a procedure, you're constantly thinking about, when can I take the next test? When will I know if it worked? you're scheduling your fucking sex life. Like, it, it is... Everything revolves around the calendar, around your cycles. And so there is a lot of like future forward thinking, and there's a lot of, for me, there was a lot of past experience, examination because we had had a loss before when you're in that type of environment, for me, I was already a planner before all this happened.
[00:11:42] I was already a future thinking person. I was already a person who's always thinking about like, when I get to this place or this destination or have this thing, life will feel better. I was already in that mindset. And then we went through this fertility process, and it reinforced all of that for me, the planning, the scheduling, the future forward thinking, that I almost don't even remember those years.
[00:12:11] I almost don't even remember what it was like to live those years because I was so out of my body, out of... I was so disconnected from my own life that I was so focused on the outcome of having a child that I don't even remember what was going on in my actual life
[00:12:32] And that's probably, I don't know, let me know if that's common for you if you've gone through that experience of fertility. it's really hard to be grounded and stay in the present moment.
[00:12:42] And as we went through that experience, one of the things that hit me the hardest, we were, we came to a place where we were having to make a decision whether we were going to stop treatments or continue with IVF or maybe consider adoption, or just, like, not have another kid. I had a stepdaughter at the time who, was a big part of our lives.
[00:13:06] I had reached the end of my rope in this constant scheduling, this constant planning, this constant everything has to be down to the minute, sort of, down to the day at least, scheduled. And so I packed a bag and booked a 22-hour flight to Bali because I was like, "I have to take a minute. I need some time.
[00:13:30] I need a moment to feel what it feels like to be in my life right now." To let go and surrender to my current reality and my current moment. And on that trip, there were a lot of tears, a lot of crying, a lot of laughing, a lot of resting, a lot of taking care of myself, and questioning everything I'd been taught to be true about my role as a mom in this life, my role as a human in this life, my role as a woman in this life.
[00:14:05] And I just stopped and felt it all in that moment in my life. I know it's kind of escapism a little bit, which I talked about in the last podcast, but I didn't feel like I had any other way to process all the things I was feeling in the midst of all the fertility treatments. So I had actually stopped fertility treatments when I decided to go to Bali.
[00:14:28] . We went to an IVF session, and I cried. And we went to an adoption session, and I cried, both for very different reasons. and I was just having a really hard time making a decision about what we do next. And the only way I knew how to do it was to go off and feel it, was to go off and allow myself to sit in.
[00:14:54] And again, there's the emotions that reside in my present moment right here I had to honor that I needed a moment to feel what I needed to feel so that I could make a choice based on my internal knowing, not based on all the information that was coming at me and what everybody else said I should do So I learned so much about myself and my relationship to the world around me during that trip
[00:15:23] And I learned that sitting with my emotions wasn't something to be feared. There are two things that came out of that trip, and I talked about one of them last time on the podcast, just the, letting go and releasing of my guilt and shame about the loss of my daughter. But I think the other thing that came out of that trip for me was recognizing that sitting with my emotions in the moment might have been difficult or hard.
[00:15:52] Now granted, I was in Bali. Still doesn't make it easy, honestly But sitting with my emotions and my feelings actually guided me to making a decision that felt so aligned, I didn't even have to question it anymore So my approach to healing
[00:16:12] which has led me to this place of supporting others in the way that I do as a somatic life coach Because any approach to healing that asks us to be somewhere other than where we are right now, I don't believe it's actually healing. I believe it's a little bit bypassing. So if we think about, you know, just think positively or think about the future, you're bypassing what you feel right now.
[00:16:40] You're bypassing the emotions that are coming up for you right now. You're bypassing your body's and your spirit's reaction to your current moment. And this is why I wanted to become a somatic life coach, because a lot of what I do with my clients is sitting in the present moment and witnessing, either witnessing for them or allowing them to witness what's happening in their present moment.
[00:17:06] What are they feeling? What are they sensing? What are they experiencing right now? Because learning to hold space and witness our truths through our emotions has, in my mind, become the path forward for me, and I think for all of us And somatic coaching allows me to bring awareness to the present moment
[00:17:33] maybe you don't know anything about coaching, but I had this perception of what coaching was and, you know, the alignment, the accountability, you know, the habits, the creating, the making things stick. And while some of it is that, , mindset shifts, for me it's more allowing you to witness what's happening in your own body in this moment.
[00:18:00] Because as you learn that skill set and take that out into your life, you will be able to make decisions aligned with your truth without me having to be there or hold you accountable because you'll just be making decisions from this place of integrity You'll trust your inner wisdom because you'll know how to sit with it.
[00:18:22] And I'm gonna wrap this all back to, you know, when, your present moment feels like the hardest moment, I understand, and I'm here to help you witness it because witnessing allows it to heal, allows it... allows you to feel, and feeling is healing. So here's a practice, one little practice at the end of our, time together that I'm going to give you as a gift to just start witnessing your present moment, and it goes like this The first thing is I think What are you thinking right now?
[00:19:00] And the second one is, I feel. What emotions are coming up for you in this moment?
[00:19:06] And the last is I sense. What sensations do you feel happening in your body?
[00:19:13] And this is really interesting because a lot of people can't decipher what's happening in their body. They can't, I sometimes can't. I'm not saying that I'm great at it all the time. But because we're not used to sensing what's happening in our bodies, sometimes we can mix that up with, you know, "I'm feeling tired."
[00:19:34] That's a feeling. It's not a sensation. What, what, sensation is happening in your body?
[00:19:41] So I'll leave you with that little practice because it's a great way to ground you in this moment.
[00:19:51] If you feel like your present moment feels very difficult to be in, a great place to start is gonna be with my 10-day reset. It is an opportunity for you to just pause and witness yourself and your moment. they're short audios, five to 10 minutes a day, and it just gives you an opportunity to witness where you're at right now.
[00:20:12] I will put a link to that in the show notes below, and I will see you in the next episode
[00:20:19]
Hi there, I’m Kendra.
I’m a woman forever changed by loss and by the quiet clarity that followed. I walked away from the life I was “supposed” to want and began creating one that felt like home.
Now I work with women who are ready to reclaim their identity, their relational sovereignty, and their soulful leadership. The ones who are done shrinking and ready to start living in their truth.