How My Grief Helped Me Hear My Own Voice

The Pass I Never Asked For

For most of my life, I felt like I had to justify my nos.

If I didn't want to do something, I needed a reason. A good one. Otherwise, someone would be disappointed, and that made me uncomfortable. So I said yes to the extra project, happy hour, favor I didn't have room for. Whatever kept the peace.

Then my daughter was stillborn, and 6 weeks later my dad had a heart attack and died.

In the midst of all my grief, something strange happened. For a moment, nobody expected anything from me anymore.

Friends weren't shocked when I skipped the baby shower.

My boss didn't blink when I said no to a new project.

It was like I'd been handed a “hall pass” I never asked for.

I’m grieving, so I'm out. No explanation required.

For the first time in my life, I didn't have to justify a single no.

What Grief Stripped Away

The relief I felt was surprising. Underneath all that grief, there was relief that I didn’t have to show up to everything. I had little capacity to perform, so every nonessential thing fell away, and I finally had permission to let it go and be still.

And in that stillness, something started to speak that I hadn't heard in years.

I call it my true self.

My inner knowing.

My soul. Whatever word lands for you.

She'd been there the whole time. Buried beneath all the expectations. And I hadn’t been able to hear her for a very long time. Grief changed that. It turned the volume down on all of the noise, and for the first time in a very long time she came through clearly.

The Vision Board That Changed Everything

4 months after I lost my daughter, I made a vision board.

I know how that sounds. Grief that fresh usually doesn't look like glue sticks and magazine clippings. But I needed to see a picture of a life where the pain didn't sit so heavy. So I sat down and I built one.

What I understand now is that it wasn't really about the pain. It was the first time in my life my own voice was loud enough to hear. This is the life I want. Not what everyone else needed from me.

I'd spent years being externally motivated. Someone would suggest something, and I'd just do it. Get the degree because my boss said it would help my career. Sell the house because my trainer asked why I was so exhausted from the commute. 2 weeks later it was on the market. I wasn't choosing from the inside. I was responding to whoever spoke last.

It wasn't that I didn't have an inner compass.

I just wasn't connected to it.

Grief stripped away enough of the noise in my life that I could finally hear her again.

What I Know Now

After going through one loss after another in my lifetime, I’ve realized grief is a teacher. What grief reveals shouldn't be stuffed down. It shouldn't be ignored. The emotions you experience are showing you truths about what matters and what never did. What you find in the rawest part of grief is the honest truth of being human.

What are you starting to hear underneath all your grief? Let me know in the comments.

If you're in a season where grief has stripped some of the noise away, and you're starting to hear things you couldn't before, I'd love to help you listen closer.

Grab this 10 Day Recenter Reset audio. This is a beautiful way to begin listening to your inner wisdom again.